You make me think

I wish things were less complex...I can't seem to sort anything out to any order that makes sense to me. So I quit, but that doesn't work either. So I don't quit and I'm back where I started. Nothing actually makes things make sense.
I'm having a day where I am entertaining those thoughts, because it's easy, and not easy at the same time, and I think I like being mixed up because of this undying hope that someday things will make sense. And then on top of the hope theres this " I told you it would never happen" glimmer that says things aren't going to be that way, even if I have a hope that doesn't die, just gets smothered regularly.
I keep letting my heart get hurt too, it's heart in the blender time, might as well get it over with before it hardens up again. That sounds awful. I wish I could think up a metaphor that describes this...I would give anything to be a writer, or a musician, just for the times like this.


But what makes me think everything will be fixed with answers?

O.k...how about this for a metaphor. It's like reading a book, that is full of huge beautifully colored, detailed pictures, and each one, as you look at it, makes you feel different and you become a different person as you look at each page. One will bring up a dream you have, one will bring up confidence, one strength, one sadness, one confusion. And by the end of the book, you realize you are all those things, but only one at a time.

I have this all the time, because almost all my inspiration for anything I do comes from images of some sort. From magazines, books, signs, people around me...most of them are just glimpses, but a lot of them stay and I mold them into my life in some way, and it makes life rich and exciting.

I don't know if that cleared anything up. I can't help laugh at myself when I read that, because by trying to think up a metaphor to explain one issue, I have completely cleared up another one for myself.

There is some I know who I miss really badly. I keep thinking about this person...although we haven't been in contact in a long time. I just feel a common understanding with this person and it makes their absense noticable. Sometimes it feels like I need to be there to help, and sometimes theres nothing of that and only fun and lots of laughing.